HOW TO TELL
The Kills from the Raveonettes
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BY K YLE ANDERSON

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Available for bar mitzvahs: Darren Trumeter, Sam Brown, Trevor Moore, Zach Cregger, and Timmy Williams

Devilish brunette
Alison “VV”
Mosshart, born in
Florida; currently
lives in London

Angelic blonde
Sharin Foo, born
in Denmark;
currently lives in
Los Angeles

Caucasian Invasion
Calling your sketch-comedy troupe the Whitest Kids U’ Know
seems like a good way to get yourselves stereotyped. Done.
So we asked the funny fivesome to come up with the ten most
melanin-free songs of all time.

Scarily pale Brit
who produces,
plays guitar, has
a gender-neutral
name—Jamie
“Hotel” Hince—
and a fondness for
cigarettes and
models. (He dated
Kate Moss.)

“Informer”
Snow
A Canadian rapper who tries
to sound Rastafarian, but
his asshole Canadian accent
keeps getting in the way.
Dear Snow (back in time):
Please don’t make any more
albums.
Dear Snow (present day):
Thank you.

up when you tell them they don’t listen to rap. Then they show you their Pharcyde CD.

“Fire and Rain”
James Taylor
If you listen to James Taylor
all day, a John Denver record
sounds like Public Enemy.

“Tenderly Kissing a
Crystal Horse in a Room
Made of Clouds”
Moby
We don’t know if this is the
title of an actual Moby song
[Editor’s note: It’s not], but all
his shit’s named like that. This
guy needs to eat a burger and
drink a beer. His music is so
white you’re not allowed to
listen to it after Labor Day.

“Beverly Hills”
Weezer
This is what Jared the Subway
guy listens to as he drinks
Mike’s Hard Lemonade and
folds his laundry.

“Kiss From a Rose”
Seal
We’re pretty sure that Seal is
just being black ironically.

Their Entire Catalogs
Phish, Matchbox Twenty,
and Creed
A three-way tie! Congrats,
guys! Everyone who
listens to this should be
quarantined on a small island
and nuked, and then no one
should be allowed to record
music on that spot for the
next 75 years.

No. “We’re like
an old married
couple,” says
Mosshart, “except
we’re neither old
nor married. We’ve
worked together
for years and are
best friends, but
we have our own
totally separate
private lives.”

Eerily pasty Dane
who produces,
plays guitar, has
a gender-neutral
name—Sune Rose
Wagner—and a
fondness for films
and girl groups.
(He worked with
Ronnie Spector.)

FROM LEF T: ANDRE W ROBINSON/IFC; KENNE TH CAPPELLO/COUR TES Y PRESS HERE; AMANDA FRIEDMAN/ICON PHO TO

No. “I think it’s
good to have
that male-female
dynamic in a
band,” says
Foo, “though
sometimes I get
lonely on the
road, because I’m
the only female
around.”

“Minuet in G” Johann Sebastian Bach OMG, Bach! Does every song have to be in 4/4 time? Jeez! Put some soul in there. We bet Johann never even met a black person.

“I Want to Be a Hulkamaniac”
Hulk Hogan
Just kidding! This shit is tight!
Bitches drop their panties
when they hear the Hulkster!

“Gin and Juice”
Snoop Dogg
This is the one song white kids
who don’t listen to rap bring

“Baby’s Got Sauce” G. Love & Special Sauce G. Love sucks. If you see a black guy at a G. Love concert, he’s probably a spy sent to assassinate him. Godspeed black spies!

The second season of The Whitest Kids U’ Know premieres on the Independent Film Channel on February ¹⁰; the DVD of season one is out February ⁵.

Hell, yes. “Shout
when you want to
get off the ride /
I’m the only sour
cherry on your fruit
stand,” they growl
in unison on the
electro-blues chant
“Sour Cherry,” from
their third album,
Midnight Boom
(out March 10).

Most definitely.
“Sweet, sweet lips /
The taste of you
tonight,” they coo
together on the
bubblegum shoe-
gazer “You Want
the Candy,” from
their fourth album,
Lust Lust Lust (out
February 19).