Perez Explains It All
Music’s newest mogul lays out his plans to save the biz
The Spin
20Ranking
on Pop
Culture
Since 1998
> _pR_ee_rc_co_er_nd_ts_fa_rl_oe_ms a_ar_ye_ed_ao_rw_agn_o2_.1
“I would definitely
practically give away
music but not really.”

—MARCH 24, 2008

Perez Hilton, self-professed “Queen of All Media” and Girls Aloud fan, has an imprint deal pending with Warner Music and says he’s gonna do “ whatever it takes” to save the troubled music business. To save time, we surfed his recent posts to determine how he might solve the industry’s most crippling problems. SARAH WILSON

^>b^D _wu^is _as^p _yi_sn^ae^ra _tos^t s^e _wa^e _or^l _re^e _{kumtoneganebttlsheeotrof.tf}^hin^ed

“Next thing you know,
Audrina and Heidi are
gonna be living together!
How amazing would
that be?????”

—JUNE 7, 2008

> _r T_oh_ce_kr_’e_n”s_ron_lo_l saenxymorodrer.ugs in
“McSteamy needs to work
on his abs_s!_eB_xu_ot_n, b_ae_ss_tii_cd_kes _{that, he’s .}”

—JUNE 13, 2008

LEARNING THAT LINDA HOGAN IS DATING 1 A TEEN Less disturbing than realizing you know _{ho Linda Hogan is}

₂ BOB DYLAN ENDORSES OBAMA _{We think?}

₃ COKE RAPPERS ACCUSED OF COKE TRAFFICKING _{Sure, why not}

^{4 R. KELLY GETS OFF In other news, he was also} cleared of child-porn charges

^{5 R. KELLY ACQUIT TED} Was secretly hoping for juvie

^{6 R. KELLY GAGS} We could write these all day

^{7 PADDING LISTS} A necessary evil, but funny if done correctly

FREAKING OUT ABOUT THE NEW IPHONE WHEN ^{8 YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE Indicative of society’s} warped priorities. But don’t they look awesome?!

9 ^{M.I.A. TO MARRY THE EXIT’S GUITARIST} Also, there’s this band called the Exit

₁₀ GRECO-ROMAN WRESTLING AT THE OLYMPICS _{Even lugers think it’s a tad gay}

^{11 LINDSAY LOHAN: LESBIAN} Almost as convincing as Lindsay Lohan: thespian

96% OF STUDENTS ADMIT TO ILLEGAL

12 ^{DOWNLOADING Remaining 4% too busy illegally} _{downloading to respond to stupid poll}

AC/DC’S NEW ALBUM EXCLUSIVELY AT

13 WAL-MART Dirty deeds and they’re done _{quite affordably, in fact}

WHEN CELEBRITIES YOU THINK ARE

14 ALREADY DEAD ACTUALLY DIE _{Doubly tragic}

>_mIn _arost _ene _sea _utd _iinzo_ef _gdf _Tooin_rwd_rnin _elnog_tan_sdo _iitnve _egl _u,slw_eaa_by _rses _.lsto

“Is the KardASShian
keeping her vajayjay
covered up or not???”

—JUNE 11, 2008

> _tT_oh_te_hi_end_mu_is_nt_ur_ty_en_we_ie_thds_itt_so_tk_ae_lee_np_tu _. p

“Amy Winehouse left the
crack-smoking for a bit to
pick up deliveries Tuesday,
including a cat carrier.”

—JUNE 10, 2008

> _b48 _uyp_oe_nrc_ee_rn_et_co_of_rt_de_le_an_sa_tg_ye_er_as_r.did not
“We’ll do cool partnerships
with Wal-Mart or Target.
Whatever it takes.”

—JUNE 2, 2008

>_dA _ares_tap _irr _sto _thv _stoe_ofn_tcs _aot _kmar _eps _tef _hlela_id _irne_g, _{p, ltabhcaeenr.kea}’s_ba_le

“Madonna’s leaving,
Perez is coming.”

—FEBRUARY 26, 2008

₁₅ COURTNEY LOVE CAN’T FIND KURT’S ASHES _{No, wait, there they are. Sorry.}

^{16 THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION} What’s so super about those delegates again?

₁₇ RYAN ADAMS’ RESEMBLANCE TO RICK MORANIS _Uncanny

THE LAST FEW WEEKS OF SUMMER

18 So little time left for adults to wear brightly _{colored rubber shoes}

19 ^{KID ROCK ENCOURAGES PEOPLE TO STEAL MUSIC} Funny, Bob Seger never told him to say that

^{20 DIDDY: ACTION HERO Don’t doubt him—you} probably thought he couldn’t rap, either. Oh, wait...